4.17.2013

Snickers.

When I lived in America I heard the phrase "lightning never strikes the same place twice," it means something about the astronomical odds of something happening more than once. Reese was our lightning strike. The thing in my life I thought would only happen once. If you have followed this blog you know about our struggle to conceive, our dark time with infertility.

Two days before valentines day this year  I felt a little off so as a joke I took a pregnancy test in the mall. Like a teenager. Also I say "as a joke" since we were told that our chances of conceiving a child while on fertility medication was less than one percent.  Image our absolute shock when two lines showed up. When I saw the positive test I got such a fright I shoved it back into the package. You have to understand for someone with infertility in their history a positive pregnancy test is like seeing a unicorn. We walked around the mall crying and with stupid smiles on our faces. After the shock wore off we had our appointment. Everything looked great!


We decided to nickname this little one Snickers, David figured it would be a great way to get a bunch of snickers bars since people showered us with Reeses after Reese was born :)


At our nine week appointment we got to see little snickers waving at us and we were finally told our due date is October 25. Lightning had struck twice for us. Over the last twelve weeks I have thought over and over how blessed, lucky, fortunate and happy we are.


We have been waiting for our thirteen week appointment before announcing to the world that we were expecting our second SECOND!! child. We wanted to get a better ultrasound picture for the announcement. We announced to our parents with a picture of Reese wearing a shirt saying Big Brother! My family took a minute to catch on and then there was much tears and cheering. David's parents cried.


Yesterday I had some bleeding so we went to go see Dr. B our very awesome doctor. When he put the probe to my stomach I could see snickers laying snugly, but a little still. Something was missing too. The little flicker. That little flutter that tells you everything is ok. That little heartbeat. Dr. B measured snickers, he was only measuring nine weeks, and five days. That means that my precious, beloved, treasured baby died about three weeks ago. When I think back to what I was doing on that day it seems so normal. I was planning a camp, we had a visiting missionary, nothing to indicate that my snickers had gone to the arms of Jesus.


David and I are shattered. They say there is no word for someone who loses a child. We lost more than a pregnancy, we lost first steps, and baby giggles, we lost snuggling and comforting, we lost Christmases and birthday parties, we lost a wedding and a college graduation, we lost our child. From the second you see those two lines you start dreaming about the future. You never wonder about whether you should have a natural miscarriage at home or go to a hospital to have them do a clinical procedure to remove the "tissue" that you loved and talked to and prayed for. You don't wonder about whether you should put up a cross or bury a box with the outfit you bought last week. You don't think that naming your baby will bring you to your knees or make your strong spouse shake with sobs.
There is no word for someone who loses a child because no word would be strong enough to express the pain, the loss, and the hopelessness of a baby whose heart stopped beating.

I have no idea hoe people who do not have hope in Christ deal with loss like this. We know that Snickers is in heaven and we are truly comforted by that hope. In dealing with infertility we learned that bad things happen now again we have to learn to trust and not question.

Please pray with us and for us. We are broken, in shock, numb, angry, confused, sad, and in more pain than we ever thought was possible. 






16 comments:

Mary Emberton said...

There are no words that would be right to comfort you. As you said, none exist. Still, I want to say that we will continue to uplift you in prayer.

^Always Thriving^ said...

COMFORT like no one else can give you. Lord, I ask for the understanding and strength this family needs to understand You and to agree with You and to carry on.

^Always Thriving^ said...

LOVE like no one else can give you!
Lord, I ask for the strength and understanding this family needs to understand You, trust You, and carry on.

Amy Lynn said...

oh Sandy and David my heart is truly broken for you both. I'm sitting here in tears writing this right now. I love you both and you are amazing people. I'm incredibly sorry :( My heart is with you. <3

Maggie said...

I'm so sorry, Sandy. My heart breaks for you guys. <3

KalistaRose said...

Hugs and love to you three! It has been almost a year since we said goodbye to our Habanero and even longer when we said goodbye to our Potato. I hope Habanero, Potato and Snickers have met and are playing together just waiting for us! If you ever want to talk about it I am here for you! I know it is so hard and hurts so bad but it will get easier with time and a ton of help from God!

Lauren said...

I am so very sorry. Lots of T&Ps for you all.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you guys. I cnt even try to imagine how you feel. I pray you feel the Lord's comfort. I have never met you, but i feel like i know you and admire you. Stay strong and you are continually in my thoughts and prayers. Love you guys,
Jessica Hardwick

Blackbird Photography said...

Stay strong! I love you both and am praying for you guys!

Minna + muut said...

Crying with you guys... I don't think any words are good enough for comfort in this kind of loss... But in the spirit i do feel like encouraging you. Mark 9:23 "ANYTHING is possible to him who believes!" And i believe the lightning will strike you again! It won't replace snickers, He'll always be special. But it will bring you new joy and hope! We serve a mighty God! Jurie was singing "there maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning" in the morning after he read your story...I believe it's night time for you now and time to mourn and we feel the pain in our hearts also. But one day the joy will come storming in! His love never fails, He is the God of hope! And Snickers will always be part of you and your family! We'll all get to meet the little fellow one day! ;)

Melanie said...

I'm am so very sorry Sandy. My heart breaks for you. <3

ashley said...

I'm really sorry Sandy! Please email me if you need to vent to someone who 'gets it'

Abby said...

Prayers for your sweet family from Colorado Springs... Comfort and Peace that only our Father can provide... <3

Anonymous said...

You all are in our prayers, may you rest in the arms of Jesus, may you find some comfort knowing your baby is being raised by God. And will be there when you get home. With love and prayers Jeff Causey.

Annelle said...

My heart is aching for you two. Praying.....

Stacey MacDougall said...

So so sorry for your loss Sandy. I wish I knew the right words to say that would comfort you. There are none. Thinking of you both and praying for you.