It is Monday and NIAW

It is National Infertility Awareness Week this week. It may seem like it is a strange things to have a whole week dedicated to, but it is true that more people deal with this than you may realize and it seem like there is some kind of social taboo in talking about it.
Do not be afraid this is not going to turn into an infertility blog, or a personal soapbox for me to talk about all things infertility, but I do want to take some time this week to talk about something that is very real and very painful. So this week there will be a few posts dealing specifically with infertility.
I want to begin with a post today about what it feels like to be infertile. I was thinking about this a week or so ago when we were standing at the airport waiting to pick up Mark. There were people all around us waiting for their loved ones to show up. I think infertility is like that.

It is like we are standing at the arrival gate at an airport. All around us our friends, families and even other strangers are standing. We are all eagerly waiting for our family to arrive. At the start we are waiting, excited but not yet anxious. Some people start coming out of the gate there are tearful reunions around us, hugs and "I love you's" fill the airport. 
Those people begin to leave, and the crowd is thinning out a little. David and I are still waiting, we know that our family has be coming out soon. The doors keep opening, more people spill out, more tears and hugs and I love yous. 
Families are made whole and then they leave together. 
We stand there as our friends, family, and even random strangers around us, find the loved ones they are waiting for. Of course we are happy for them, we may even take time to welcome their loved ones while we wait for our arrival, but in the end they move on and we continue to wait.

Pretty soon the crowd is beginning to thin out, at this point some worry begins to creep in. Is everything ok? Is our loved one on the way? Will our family be whole soon??  We continue to wait, and wait and wait. Before we know it, the planes are all empty, the people around us all have the ones they love in their arms, and we are all that is left.

We are standing alone in the airport with no one left to get off the plane.

After a while some more friends or family may show up, they are there to pick up even more family. Sure enough their second set of people arrive while we are still waiting for our precious cargo. 

We are left standing utterly alone in a crowd full of celebrating and complete families. 

The frantic desperation may make us run around looking for answers. We may fork over large amounts of cash in hopes of ensuring that our family will make it on the next flight, only to be crushed when once again we are left standing alone with no one to welcome. Our friends and family may try to tell us things to make us fell better, but in the end there is nothing that can be said or done that can fully take away the hurt or confusion. 

In the past few weeks I have been taking time out of my day specifically to search the scriptures on passages about infertility and family. I have found many verses, and more women in the Bible dealt with this than I first realized. I have to admit the I have never read through the book of Psalms, so I made it my project over this break, and I have found so much comfort there! One day last week I was feeling especially low and left behind. I opened my Bible to a random Psalm while in my heart crying out for God to hear my prayer. My eyes fell on Psalm 73.

"When my heart was embittered, and I was pierced within, I 
was like a senseless and ignorant beast before you.
Nevertheless I am continually with You, You have taken hold of my right hand. 
With Your counsel You will guide me. 
And afterward receive me in glory. 
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And beside you I desire nothing on earth. 
My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart. 
and my portion forever.
For, behold, those who are far from you will perish, you have destroyed those who are unfaithful to you.
But as for me, the nearness of God is my good. 
I have made the Lord God my refuge.
That I may tell of all Your works."
Psalm 73 :21-28
I felt comforted and challenged. More than anything and anyone God is there as a refuge and a comfort, I am now working on being satisfied with God as my portion.
As Christians we all reach for the place where God is enough and we are satisfied, but let me confess that I am not there yer. I am struggling daily with things that I think I need and want, things I need to lay down. 
Perhaps when I reach the place in my walk with God that I am no longer looking for other things but I am fully satisfied by Him will I be able to leave that arrival gate at the airport. Some days are better than others, but in all honesty the thought of letting go of the dream of having a child is terrifying, but I am working on it!! :)

And then also because it is Monday today I am thankful for:

#50 I am thankful for God. A Father who has been there for me through every up and down. A Father who has given everything, including His Son, so that He may adopt me. I am thankful for the love and comfort, and the unwavering acceptance. Without Him I would be lost!


ashley said...

my heart really goes out to your guys Sandy. I know how it feels..kinda to never be sure of having a baby. After we lost Ella I was so scared she was our only shot and we only got our 37 week pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I loved the idea of a little one inside me but I so looked forward to dressing her up, playing with her, etc.
I'm not sure if this comment has helped or not and I'm sorry if it just made it worse.

I am glad you have found comfort in the Lord (well, at least looking for it, it sounds like) its a real encouragement to me

E said...

Oh Sandy, what a lovely post! You really write so beautifully. We wanted to thank you for your suggestions on our blog for Zanzibar and Arusha. We ended up going to the Impala Hotel but alas, it's the rainy season so we couldn't see much. We did see Kili though on the way up to Nairobi.

I also love Psalm 71:14-18: "But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more...Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me O God till I declare your power to the next generation, you might to all who are to come."

We will use Infertility to share God's greatness as a testimony for the next generation. GOD BLESS!

Deborah said...

Hey Sandy,I fill like I could kick myself. I believe that God is still in the business of restoring and performing miracles. He knows your heart desire. It's good that you find comfort in Him,He's faithful!